I actually think I have had a mini breakdown over the last couple of weeks. Honestly, something has been up. I had a little situation (argument?) about something with my bf 2 weeks ago today, and even though we made up after it, I felt really sad the rest of the day, and this actually went on for the following 2 weeks :( lots of things happened that upset me, but it was the fact that I go so upset by them that worried me, and just couldn't break out of this horrible, horrible feeling of being so down, and like I could cry at any moment. Also not enjoying anything, and being so worried. Bf noticed of course, and it upset him. So that just added to my own sadness. I do feel a bit better today. I am thinking it could be something to do with my periods, because for the first week I was sad, I Was due, so it could of been PMS. But the 2nd week, I actually had my period, and I thought that PMS was supposed to fade once you actually got the period? I don't know. I had been on the Pill for years, and a good few months ago I came off it for other reasons. Ever since then every month has been different with my period. Like last month, I had virtually no PMS, no pain, and no warning really, and it was lighter. Then this month I had the above... and some pain and it was really heavy. I had made an appointment to see the doctor to go back on the Pill before all this happened, and the appointment just happens to be tomorrow, so I will mention it to the doctor. If it wasn't PMS, I have no idea why I've been so sad. Either way I just hope something can be done.
One of the things that has upset me, was bf's new social life. I know how bad this sounds and how bad it makes me sound but this is how I felt. He got a promotion at work which is brilliant, and is now the manager of a team of 3 (including him) he has one girl who is a couple of years younger than me, and one man who is a bit older, he is in his early 30's. I've known them both for a while because we work in the same office on a Monday & Friday. He didn't know them before. He also has a wider team of another 3 people. One girl who is a year older than me (his manager) and another guy (gay) and a woman who is a bit older. They are all lovely people. But I have to admit, I've been feeling jealous :( I'm ashamed to admit it but I have. Jealous on more than one level. I've been jealous that he is going to be working so closely with this girl, the younger one, let's call her MW. I know because they will have the same kind of relationship that I had with my old manager, GM. Completely innocent, but for some reason, I've been unable to handle the fact that they will be as close as me & GM were. I know that's stupid. 1. because it was all innocent and 2. because I've done it as well. Just have a horrible feeling. Also jealous because he has such a fun team! They have nights out aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the time. I mean the wider team. And good for them. I just wish my team were as fun. We both moved here to Edinburgh together. We've lived here for about a year & a half. I've had a few friends, a few nights out. He hasn't really. So now that he is, I wonder if it is just because there has been a change that I feel so uneasy, and that I'll soon get used to it. While I've had a few friends and nights out, I feel lonely here. It's only been a few nights out and I don't have proper friends. The only people I really see here are work people & bf. But now that he is going out a lot, I guess I feel I have to meet people and get out myself. To try and do this, I got in touch with an old school friend who has also moved to Edinburgh, and we're meeting for a drink on Tuesday night. We were hardly even friends at school but I'll take anything at the moment, the way I'm feeling. Also I am going to apply for a part time bar job down the road. I have a busy job as it is but a bar job would help me meet people, right? And it would get me out the house. I miss my friends in Glasgow so much and I go back and see them as much as I can but I've got to make some friends here too. It doesn't look like I'm moving back to Glasgow any time soon.
I'm sure I would of had all these feelings anyway, but I think they've been magnified by my little bout of depression, whatever brought that on. Will definitely say to the doctor about it.
Oh and also, bf & I have worked in the same area since we moved here, but normally on a Monday, Tuesday & Friday, we work in different offices, and on a Wednesday & Thursday we worked in the same office, but he was round the corner from me so we didn't see too much of each other. But now, Monday, Tuesday & Friday we are in the SAME office and he just sits a few seats behind me, and in the office we're in on a Wednesday & Friday, again he is just a few seats behind me! And I hate it! :( I think it's bad to see too much of each other and also, I hear him & his team having a laugh etc and I feel more jealous. It is so bad of me, because I know even when he was round the corner from us he would be able to hear me & GM. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully these feelings go away soon.
IN OTHER NEWS...
Got an invite to my cousin's wedding in Northern Ireland :) It's for the full day and I'm really looking forward to going over and seeing everyone.
Things are better with me & bf because I am feeling better. Hoping this continues, because we don't usually have problems, and this problem I really think is solely because of how I've felt. Here's hoping the doctor can enlighten me about it! xx
JLo & LL Cool J - All I Have
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